suck of the irish
Unlike more diplomatic people, I'm not afraid to say it: I don't really like St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe it's inherited. My Anglo roots go back to England, not the Emerald Isle. St. Patrick's day just isn't in my blood. I'm genetically predisposed to spending March 17th brewing a nice pot of darjeeling and discussing what new taxes to levy against the Papist Menace.
But there's another class of reasons why I don't really like the holiday. Reasons like the one I happened upon last weekend:
Yup. It's one of Ballston's profoundly objectionable block parties. $15 gets you all the $6 beers you can drink! SEE the incredible radio station HumVees! BROWSE the booths of various advocacy organizations! THRILL to the ticket-based currency system!
There are also bands. Practice essay questions for the exam: who ripped off U2 the most? Which band plays the Clarendon Grill with the most regularity? Could you detect the subtle hostility from later bands after the first cover of "867-5309 (Jenny)" stole their thunder?
I've been to a few of these things. The ones focusing on food are alright, but the fake block parties are pretty terrible. And St. Patrick's Day really brings out the worst element. I was going to say it's like Fratboy Christmas, but that's not quite right — it's probably more like Fratboy Hanukkah: a historical observation most vigorously celebrated by the non-observant in order to rationalize unrelated behavior (binge drinking/giving kids presents in December). Also, both are celebrations of a victory over a hated enemy — Maccabees : Seleucids :: Frat Guys : snakes (SCIENCE FACT: snakes are known as "nature's cockblockers").
But while these sorts of St. Patrick's Day festivities are unquestionably pretty stupid, they're at least comprehensible. After all, who doesn't like binge drinking? Deans, bereaved mothers, and nobody, that's who. But there is one budding St. Pat's tradition that had me totally flummoxed:
Beads. The dopes on the Metro were draped in 'em, and I had no idea why. But suddenly it all snapped into place.
I can only imagine that at some point in the recent past, the St. Patrick's Day Executive Board sat down around a (shamrock-shaped) conference table and tried to brainstorm an approach to synergizing their holiday in proactive ways. "Let's look at other successful organizations with strong 'people throwing up in the street' metrics," they said. "Mardi Gras is an obvious competitor in the rowdiness space."
But how to build on MG's success? Floats are kind of stupid and playing jazz is hard. The obvious answer: get girls to start taking off their shirts. The SPDEB's chief partynomicists must have sat down, drafted some whitepapers, and eventually produced a graph something like this:
As you can see, the primary limiting factor is bead supply (Bo). With the introduction of increased bead supplies (Bn), a robust bead/breast economy might naturally spring to life.
That's the theory as best as I can make out, anyway. Personally, I have my doubts about lightning striking twice. But I do appreciate that they're pursuing the problem in an academically rigorous way.
Comments
Could you run some quick back-of-the-envelope calculations to figure out where that intersection takes place? Within what order of magnitude of green beer consumed should I expect toplessness? 10^4 mL? 10^7?
Wow, what a killjoy! One could infer from your semi-serious/semi-humorous post that ALL festivities have been usurped by the greed/mead/bead/breast lobbies. Who cares? Do you really need a valid reason to celebrate anything? Do you really need a valid reason to drink?
By the way, people who drink green beer are probably too poor/stupid to realize that the proper drink is an Irish stout (Guiness or Murphy's).
As an expert on the culture of bead-whoredom, I concur that beads should be for Mardi Gras only. Expanding beads to non-MG festivities cheapens both.
And, again, I blame Girls Gone Wild.
Jeff, this is economics, not a real science. I can only describe broad trends, and produce after-the-fact models matching the observed data. If you want numbers, try the sociologists. I hear they take surveys and stuff.
Have you considered graduate school?
Tom, on behalf of sort-of-Irish people everywhere, I take offense at your direct attack on our heritage. Of course, the Anglos have a long history of aggression towards the Celts, not in small part because of the Celtic abduction of Anglo slaves from coastal cities during the time of the Roman Empire. Indeed, Saint Patrick himself first came to what is now Ireland by means of this nefarious practice (woo History Channel!).
But your attack, as noted by others already, seems half-hearted (and more of an excuse to graph, which, by the by, I fully support). I demand graphs for all future holidays. And I hope that, when push comes to shove, you choose a Harp over that darjeeling...
Also: According to Slate, you are even more right than you realize.
Wow Emily, that is a deeply weird article.
Thank you so much for calling attention to those of us who are anti-St. Patrick's Day. We are a beleagured lot. I am not Irish. I feel no joy in celebrating a faux-Irish holiday. And I have been long-reviled for the anti-Irish, anti-St. Patrick's Day, anti-fake-Irish-pubs-in-strip-mall rants that I tend to go on. My people too are oppressed Europeans who sent many immigrants to the U.S. But we don't foist our "heritage" and festivities on others and we don't have any heritage-related milk shakes at fast food restaurants. Long Live the Poles! Down with St. Patty's Day!
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