The Post has a pretty slick Flash app that allows you to listen to the finalists in the competition to be the new voice of our subway system. It's a neat idea for a contest, but the finalists are pretty uninspired (why does that sound familiar?).

Jill Apple

Telemarketers are told to smile when they speak; you can hear the difference. You can tell that Jill knows this. But really, who the fuck likes happy people? Typical metro scenario: it's 9AM, and you have just literally descended into the underworld in order to exchange eight more hours of your life for the gift of your family not starving. You aren't going to want to be smiled at.

Steve Broide

Steve sounds like he got bored halfway through the 5 second recitation task, and consequently defaulted to a weird, unbecoming valley-girl lilt. I want someone with a little more focus. Eyes on the prize, Steve.

Linda Carducci

Linda has a pleasantly artificial tone that reminds me of the voice of the computer on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Which, I should mention, I've been watching a lot of since G4 started showing it. It's never very entertaining (dilemma dilemma, WOW let's bask in the humanistic glow of our deus ex machina) and never very original (energy being, energy being, holodeck gone awry, energy being, wesley fucks something up, wesley fucks something up and becomes an energy being, etc.). Yet I cannot turn away. So thumbs up to Majel Linda. ST:TNG perpetually disappoints, but I somehow can't avoid it. This makes it a perfect touchstone for Metro.

Sarah Fraser

Yikes. Listening to Sarah makes me immediately want to find her boyfriend, who I've never met, and complain that he never hangs out anymore, and is he really sure Sarah is right for him? Don't get me wrong, she's a great girl, I just think you shouldn't limit yourself to one person right now. I bet she could make some other transit system really happy. Okay, fine, you're right, it's none of my business. But seriously dude, don't bring her to St. Patrick's Day. That totally sucked last time.

Jon Garcia

This guy's sample sounds spliced together. Could he really not produce more than two usable words per take? How many studio hours are you prepared to book, WMATA?

John Howell

NOW we're fucking talking. I'll ruin the suspense now and tell you that this guy is the closest to a cowboy of anyone in the contest, and therefore the best. "The doors are closin'... well sir, I reckon every man has seen a few doors close in his day. Ain't nothin much t'be done about it, 'cept to cinch your saddle, lift your head and keep on movin' to the center of that train we call America."

Randi Miller

Randi gets a little exasperated when it's time to ask me to move to the center of the car. I can't say that I blame her. She's probably seen me; she knows I'm a perennial offender. She's tried being nice, but if this keeps up there are going to have to be consequences, buster.

Carol Rabel

Carol sounds like the computerized countdown voice that's used in movies to heighten tension when it looks like something terrible is about to happen but then WHEW it turns out it doesn't. When I close my eyes and listen to her, I see Keifer Sutherland furiously wiping sweat from his brow, intently manipulating an impossible nest of wires and cursing the countdown voice under his breath. "The doors are closing, Mr. President!" Yeah, I could live with that.

Angela Stevens

This woman is clearly insane.

Mary Whittington

Despite being totally unrelated to the Old West, I think I might like Mary's take the best. It sounds like she thought of something funny in the middle of saying it. I don't know what (someone getting caught in the door?), but I like it. She's definitely trying to sell me something, but not in an unpleasant way. And I imagine that as soon as she finishes saying her piece, she steps away with arms spread and the camera pans out to reveal a vast panorama of buffet tables, or biomedical researchers, or cruise ship. Maybe all three! Whatever it is, sign me up.