A lot of folks seem to be glad to kick 2005 out the door and down the street. Not me. This has been a pretty good year for me. I moved into a new place, I met a lot of new people, I got a new job, and generally started to feel non-aimless. In fact, this year saw my life reach an all-time low on the Quiet Desperation scale.

Sadly, this means that my days of being an interesting person have probably come to an end. I suppose I can continue to crank out technical curios (although even they will be hurt by a decline in personal Stick It To The Man-ism). But let's face it: basically happy people are basically fucking boring. I apologize in advance to those of you who I will meet at the cocktail parties occurring between now and my death. To help you prepare, here are my planned conversation topics, ordered by decade (approximately). I invite you to compose your respondent bon mots in advance.

• Real Estate Prices


• What Baby Pooped On


• College Prices


• Pointless Hobby


• Quick, Let's Make Financial and/or Spiritual Plans!


• Kids These Days, What's Wrong With


• I Don't Think They Should Have Put Me In A Home


• I Am Wandering Through The Neighborhood In My Bathrobe! I Think I Am Going To See Pearl Jam, Or Possibly Artie Shaw, Although They Are Both Are Dead!

Another problem with contentedness: it's making me into a fatass. This is the time of year when I would normally start complaining about the looming onrush of New Year gymgoers, who will get in my way and then linger there, doing stupid things. But this year I'll be one of them. My 4-5 day/week regimen is long gone; three is a spectacularly good week for me now. And between sicknesses, visitors, projects and generally having better things to do, it's been months since I even hit that mark. But that's all going to change! Yes! I will radically alter my lifestyle. I will remain pleasantly slim. And, while I'm at it, perpetually youthful and vigorous.

Or if that doesn't work out, I'll pick up a used copy of the Everybody Loves Raymond box sets, settle down in front of the TV with some Cool Ranch Doritos and wait for death. It's called a backup plan, people, and it's what responsible life strategies are all about.