we don't have a lot of time
On Saturday Charles and I elected to flee our freezing apartment, and headed for the toasty confines of the Chinatown Express. Along the way through Chinatown I noticed this restaurant:
"Huh!" I thought, "Tai Shan — that's the same name as the one the zoo gave to the new panda cub. 'Peaceful Mountain' must be a pretty common phrase in Chinese culture. But wait, what's that photo in the right window..."
"Oh god. It's a panda. A photo of a panda in the window of a Chinese restaurant bearing the same name as the cub and they say it was chosen by a vote but really how long have they been planning this and where can I look up the restaurant's lease and this can't be happening and OH LORD CAN WE GET A MOB TOGETHER AND STORM THE ZOO TONIGHT!? HE CAN SLEEP IN MY BATHTUB!#!@&%"
But look, people: we can't panic. It's easy enough to see through this grisly code, but we have to THINK. Butterstick is being sent back to China in just under three years. Clearly his communist proprietors are waiting for him to become nice and plump on American zoo food (paid for by Uncle Sam, no doubt) before tucking into their gruesome repast. We have some time, but none to waste. We need to organize.
Toward that end, the owner of the Butterstick Cafepress store (still shrouded in mystery, but his legend grows by the day) seems to have put together a new t-shirt design. It looks kind of like this:
...and you can buy it here. The design's a little busy, I agree. But it's tough to compress a sophisticated political statement into a few square inches of cotton. I assume.
So: spread the word, my brothers and sisters. Godspeed. We'll save the stick yet.
UPDATE: In comments, Sommer points out that the t-shirt's slogan appears to make no sense — whether the Stick is eaten or simply dies at the zoo, he's gone either way. Now don't get me wrong, I love the little guy. But I'd rather he meet the same sad but noble fate as that lion, giraffe, pygmy hippo, red panda, etc (patriots all) who gave their lives so that the zoo's employees can maintain their quintessentially American level of excellence. I will be sad if Butterstick ends up getting into the rat poison, but I will be god damned if he ends up getting into some Marxist's belly.
UPDATE 2: If you're too stupid to understand satire, I can understand that you might take offense at this post. Suffice it to say that I mean no slur on the Chinese people or culture (the Chinese government is pretty evil, although maybe not panda-eating evil). And of course I don't mean to impugn the reputation of the Tai Shan restaurant (if you read carefully you'll notice that I didn't). For more hand-waving, please see my response in DCist's comment thread.
Man. Don't you hate it when dopes ruin jokes?