how i'll spend my bummer's duration
Catherine is leaving for Chicago on Sunday, and as you might expect I'm pretty depressed about it. I'll be at her new digs Wednesday-Sunday to work by remote and help her get settled, but that's really just prolonging the emotional bandaid peeling. We've been together since October 2000, and although we've agreed that the coming year's vaguely-defined mutual independence will be good for us in vaguely-defined ways, it's still going to be a major shock. There's no getting around the fact that in less than 48 hours I will most likely begin transforming back into an antisocial weirdo.
But don't worry about me. I've got three things working in my favor. First, lingering embarassment over how I conducted myself after my last mandatory girlfriend-evacuation, which occurred in high school and was truly and utterly pathetic. Second, Kriston's stoic example as he deals with a similar but worse situation — this will also hopefully keep a lid on my own expressions of self-pity. And third: a plan.
After all, it's only eleven and a half months, right? That should be easy enough to fill. Here's the coming year's agenda for self improvement-slash-destruction:
- Spend More Time At The Gym: It turns out that going to happy hours with friends is way more fun than going to the YMCA, and as a result I'm weaker, creakier and rounder than usual. Plus, without a workout partner I haven't actually gotten any stronger since college. Time to hire a trainer. Once my physical house is in order, I've got an idea for a costumed crimefighting trio. Kriston and Yglesias: email me.
- Spend More Time With My Buddies: It's almost like Charles and I never talk anymore. That's unacceptable. It should be completely like we never talk, as it was back when our carefully synchronized television and beer consumption schedules ensured that neither of us experienced any stimuli that the other did not, thereby eliminating the need for your primitive human "conversation". Male bonding will be accomplished via videogames and, uh, redecorating the apartment. And talking about babes! Yes, hot babes. Phew.
- Spend More Time Watching Sports: The Redskins season starts about 7 hours after Catherine leaves, which seems pretty convenient. And Kriston and Matt have bought whatever digital cable package includes every NCAA game. Okay, I'll admit that I don't actually care about college sports except as an opportunity to express irate and irrational jingoism. And it will be a little sad to watch the UT/Oklahoma game without Susan around — watching her and Kriston reduce each other to hysterical laughter with read-aloud passages from The Grapes Of Wrath was a new but cherished halftime tradition. But there'll be hockey at MCI this year, and there's baseball yet, and hey, I can even get excited about the perenially-suckass Wizards... Uh... go Zards!
- Spend More Time Taking A Class: Or at least talking about it. Glass-blowing? I don't know — it's kind of expensive, and nobody I know really smokes pot anymore, so it seems a bit pointless. A martial art? Now that sounds more promising. Kriston and I have been talking about it a little — Krav Maga is currently the leading candidate, due to the fact that it's supposed to be brutally effective, unrelentingly nonmystical, and viciously less than a mile from my house. Also, I like hanging out at the Jewish Community Center: I'm curious to learn more about this vast international Zionist conspiracy that the crazy homeless guy on U St. has been telling me so much about. Maybe they have brochures.
And of course
- Spend Less Time On Personal Hygiene: First stop: beardsville. Dark facial hair, internet-induced skin translucency and a total inability to grow stubble directly under my nose allows me to sport some pretty creepy-looking facial hair. But I've never stuck it out to full bearddom. Well, there's no time like the present! It'll come off when I start noticing parents warning their kids to stay away from me, or until I have to finally leave the house. Or until it starts itching. It should be obvious I'm pretty deeply committed to this project.
Comments
A fine manifesto you've written, Tommy—much like my own less well-stated thoughts. Might I suggest we work together on compiling the steps of this program into a clever acronym? CYBACHELOR or PIRATE TIME, something of lasting benefit to the community?
I'll report my progress: Though I'm working the beard angle, two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night doing laundry by hand at the sink. True story, dead sober. So my war against hygiene has suffered some setbacks.
The not-sleeping part blows, but a true Pirate! has neither the time nor the need in the first place.
Can I invite myself if you ever go to a hockey game? I have never been!
It won't hurt to hang out with some of the girls too :) Catherine will appreciate if I yell at you for growing a hideous beard.
absolutely! the more hockeygoers the merrier. a tip for the uninitiated: violence is entertaining.
i think the beard is an excellent idea. i've decided that it should be a rule that when a man's girlfriend goes away for a year, he should have to grow a beard. first of all, when else will a man get to have a messy beard without someone telling him to shave it off? second of all, when the rest of us see a pale man with a shaggy beard, we know he's off-limits.
second of all, when the rest of us see a pale man with a shaggy beard, we know he's off-limits.
Out of the league of most mortal women?
I'm looking forward to the return of hockey too. Doubt I'll renew my ticket plan, but I'll definetly be hitting some games (a couple days ago I was looking at the roster and wondering who all of the players were). Along with football and the NCAA basketball season, I'm going to be even paler than usual by the time spring rolls around.
Don't buy Capps' stoic act. I had this dream of lots of awesome male-bonding time chilling on the couch in silence watching sports/garbage on TV, but everytime we're in the house together he's all agitated, buzzing around everywhere, cleaning sit, yelling at the dog, or -- worse -- reading books. It's terrible. Plus, I have to ask both of you what the deal is with this whole "my girlfriend's gone, now I'm going to the gym" scene. Shouldn't the idea be to stay in shape for the gf and then let yourself go while the lady's out of town?
Shouldn't the idea be to stay in shape for the gf and then let yourself go while the lady's out of town?
Yes, in theory. In practice, though, the girlfriend's departure makes you go back into "must not die alone" mode (at least, this was my experience when Catherine was over in Italy). Plus you end up with a lot more time and control over it when you're not doing everything with a significant other.
May I suggest taking up rockclimbing??? ;)
...the beard idea is a bad one. Just...don't do it. Kriston and Matthew are bad influences. Skip a shave every now and then. No big deal. But that shaggy viking thing just gets nasty when you're drinking beer. A "beer mustache" takes on a whole new meaning.
When you become a costumed crimefighting trio, I officially call dibs on the DCist interview.
Might I suggest a mustache.
you might! unfortunately, your support (for which I am grateful) probably won't make a mustache look any less ridiculous on me.
and dceiver, don't worry: our justice-league-style organization will be taking care of public relations first, foremost, and probably exclusively.
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