I am sorry to have to be writing this to you. Any online anecdote about something that happened at the gym always comes off as a thinly veiled excuse for the author to suggest what a rippling, broad-chested and, yes, sexually potent demigod he is. Normally this would not be a problem, but unfortunately I am also incredibly humble.

Despite this, I feel I must say the following: you should really stop doing your bicep curls on the squat rack. I realize that you've paid a lot of money for the privilege of coming to the Y and lifting heavy things. Probably it seems like there ought to be more to it than there is, prompting you to want to stand next to a largeish piece of equipment while doing your exercises. I can understand where you're coming from. The squat rack is one of the largest pieces of equipment in the room, and would by far be the most effective defensive fortification available if we were to suddenly be attacked by, say, a pack of crazed orangutans. But let's be honest: that rarely happens.

Besides, doesn't using that barbell hurt your wrists? The bar is straight. It's not really meant for what you're using it for. Plus it's heavy, so you only put the five pound plates on it. When you count the bar, this is a perfectly reasonable amount of weight. But the effect is still to make you look like kind of a weenie.

Perhaps you could just be a little faster about the exercise. I think you'll find that if you make fewer "OHMYGODTHISISHARD" noises in the course of the exercise it will go by much more quickly. The pauses in between sets where you roll up your sleeves and lean down to examine your biceps (or "guns") could also probably be trimmed from your routine. To your credit, when you do this you never actually kiss the muscle you're scrutinizing. But I can tell you want to. Every time it happens I feel like I am watching a poorly written gay coming of age drama.

But that's not really any of my business. Normally I am content to ignore my fellow gym-goers. Sure, one has to size up which men are physically stronger, which are weaker, and which women one would like to have sex with. But that's just in case the world ends while I'm in the shower, leaving the surviving YMCA patrons to mercilessly fight for survival in a savage postapocalyptic wasteland. By this point the sorting process is pretty much automatic. I usually do it while I'm stretching.

No, the reason I bring all this up is that there's only one squat rack, and it is integral to my ongoing campaign to completely destroy my knees (they know what they've done). I would like to be able to get on with this process, thank you very much.

I guess what I'm saying is that your disgusting indulgence of personal vanity is interfering with my own. Seeing as mine is clearly more important, please knock it off.