it's not like halloween is actually a pagan holiday or anything...but scott takes you on a tour of the scariest haunted house ever: the one put together by jerry falwell's followers in lynchburg, virginia:

Basically, the whole experience was windy hallways and college kids jumping out at you and screaming. Oh yeah. And the abortion room! There was a room filled with aborted fetuses. They were actually fetal pigs with white gowns on them, which is perhaps far scarier, but they were meant to represent the horror of abortion. And this was supposed to be the scariest room. Seriously.

But then, the best part. Up until the very end, things had been somewhat anticlimactic. The abortion room was somewhat of a consolation. But I wanted real, genuine, crazytalk. I wanted purple teletubbies burning in the pits of hell. I wanted Larry Flynt getting lynched by the Pope. I wanted Bert and Ernie lying peacefully in bed together with Satan suddenly popping out from under the covers between them. And man did I get what I wished for.

As we were exiting the haunted house, we had to walk through the woods to get back to the parking lot. There, for all to see, in the middle of a circle of spotlights, was Jesus Christ. Nailed to a wooden cross. Draped in a barely concealing white gown. With a crown of thorns. And druids surrounding him. No shit! I was so excited I nearly peed my pants. I honestly might have been jumping up and down. I was interrupted, though, by this kid who asked Molly and I if we wanted to join him in a tent to learn about the man that made this all possible, the namesake of progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy, himself, the big JC. Molly looked terrified and was clearly about to say "No thanks", but luckily I was able to shove her behind a tree and scream "Would I?! Would I?!" We gathered in the tent with about 10 other people, only 2 of whom looked as horrified as Molly Meek. The kid who was herding us in took a deep breath and began speaking at a rate and volume that seriously had me debating the merits of Depakote vs. Valproate in my head. "DoesanyoneknowwhyweareheretonightweareherebecauseGodcreatedhea
venandearthandhecreatedAdamandEveandhecreatedtheuniverseandthenth
ousandsofyearslateramancameandthatmanisthemanyousawnailedtothecros
sjustnowdoesanyoneknowwhothatmanis-"
"Mark Profitt."
(I am on the floor at this point)
"Ummm...ummImeanwhoherpresentsherepresentsJesusandJesusdiedforoursinsand..."

I kind of tuned out at this point, but there was some praying, and the kid asked us basically to reveal to him in private whether we had sinned against Jesus, and I thought about reminding him of the fact that is was very sinful to interject yourself into matters that are between God and another individual, but I was tired, so I left that battle for another day.