almost famous

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posted by catherine / October 20, 2004 /

if you know me at all, you know that there are certain things i cannot handle. one of the most obvious is my problem with embarrassing situations on television; for example, i could not, repeat, NOT, watch the debates on tv sober. there is ample evidence of this. physically, i couldn't do it. watching the debates sober meant that i might have to see kerry make some utterly terrible gaffe, or start speaking french, or get beatdown by bush, and then i would see this terrible occurence and have to process it while in the throes of sobriety, and it would just be too much for my brain to handle, and my head would explode. however, while drunk, i can handle almost anything (or at least i think i can, which might explain why i talk shit to large men or attempt to dance while intoxicated). alcohol totally smoothed the process so that my neurons didn't combust when kerry did some stupid stuff.

i also cannot handle socially embarrassing scenes on tv shows. for example, had i witnessed the tucker carlson/jon stewart flak the other day, i probably would have run out of the room crying, with my shirt pulled around my face in order to hide it all from my eyes, even though i think tucker carlson is an ass and i would have been rejoicing in the exchange. it's even worse, if possible, with sitcoms, even though i know in my head that these are, you know, fictional characters, and they're not actually being humiliated on nationwide tv in front of millions of people. i literally moan and hide my face behind pillows when ryan and marissa are in a compromising situation, or when one girl gets such a bitchy ass-thrashing by another girl on america's next top model that all you can do is sit there, shame-faced along with her. well, that actually happened, and that girl actually did get humiliated in front of millions of people, but damn, it's some good tv.

anyway, it's well-documented that i can't handle fictional embarrassing situations that occur amongst actors on television. but if there's one thing i deal with even more poorly than these humiliations-via-catheter-ray it's the real-life situations where i meet famousish people. which occurs more often than you might suspect.

susan reminded me of my affliction when she forwarded me this cute encounter between a blogger and a dude from "lost" at the airport. she actually comes off quite well compared to certain interactions i've had. let me list a few:

  • the ted leo experience. click the link for the painful details. kriston could tell you how incredibly retarded i acted in the presence of this, to be fair, fairly minor in the world of celebrities musician. i had to down two margaritas and have kriston grab him in order to ask him to take a picture with me.

  • the phil selway experience. phil selway, if you didn't know, is the drummer for radiohead, which elevates his status to like, uber-god, in my eyes. in 1998, i traveled up to nyc to see two of their concerts at the radio city music hall. in my doe-eyed teenaged obsessed fan state, my friends and i sat outside of the hall for EIGHT HOURS before the concert, hoping to grab a glance of wonky-lidded thom yorke or an autograph from jonny greenwood, guitarist extraordinaire. instead, we got phil selway. to most people, this would have been a rather disappointing experience, as phil is the least notorious and probably least-attractive member of the band (pudgy, married, bald, etc). but for me, it was like manna from heaven. i love phil. i am a member of the phil selway fan club. in fact, in preparation for that holiest of moments, my friend and i, in some very silly moment, had made stickers of phil selway's face, and, for some ungodly reason, i happened to be wearing two of them on my radiohead t-shirt when phil walked out of the back door. this is basically how the exchange went:
    me: umm, can i have an autograph?
    phil, in kindly british accent: sure thing.
    me: ummmmm, so um like, what do you think you're going to play tonight?
    phil: well, you know, probably stuff from ok computer, and we do plan on playing some older songs.
    me: oh wow, umm, great! i hope you play "true love waits."
    phil: we'll try to get that in there.
    me: look, i made stickers of your face!
    phil:...
    me: do you want one?
    phil: no, that's okay. *proceeds to turn away from me*

  • the brad pitt experience. in all fairness, this wasn't so much of a meeting as a spotting of brad pitt at a radiohead concert. it occured during the much-touted "secret" radiohead show at the 9:30 club back in the summer of 1998, when radiohead's appearance at the tibetan freedom concert at RFK had been canceled due to lightning. in order to satiate their fans somewhat, a cryptic announcement was made on 99.1 about a show at the 9:30 club, and the first 600 or so fans to arrive got in. we just made it, and pushed and bit our way to near the front of the stage. i was really into bootlegging at that point, so i'd brought my crappy tape recorder with me. later, it turned out that i had made the only copy of the show in the whole world, so i was innundated by requests from people who collected radiohead's entire live discography. but i refuse to give the tape out. one, because you can hear me singing along on EVERY SINGLE SONG. i hadn't learned at that point to either shut up or hold the recorder far enough away from my mouth. so you get stuff like my instrumental accompaniment to "karma police" on the piano part after where thom goes, "this is what you get" and the piano goes off a bit, and you can hear me screeching, "DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO DOO." there's also lots of fawning, like "oh my gawwwddd ed is so hot" or "oh my gaawwwwd i love this song."

    then, right at the point before i flipped the tape over and right before the band launched into "just", one of my favorite songs of all time, you can hear me talking to my friend karin. we're looking around in the crowd, and up at the balconies above the stage that are usually reserved for guests of the band. suddenly, karin grabs my arm, points to the balcony and whispers, "oh my god. is that brad pitt?"

    i look up. there is a shaggy-haired, razor-sharp-cheekboned-man hanging off the balcony. he is hot. he has fame and coolness and godness emanating from every pore in his body. he is brad pitt.

    so right as the opening notes of "just" start playing, this is what the tape sounds like:

    karin: is that brad pitt?
    catherine: oh my god. i think it's brad pitt.
    karin: it really looks like him.
    catherine: oh my GOD. i think it's BRAD PITT!
    karin+catherine in some unintelligible mass of words: OHMIGOD BRAD PITT JESUS EVERYONE PITT BRAD HOT IT'S HIM OH GOD AHHHHAAAHHH BRAD PITT LOOK EVERYONE BRAAAAAAAAAD!
    catherine: who is that utter hobag he's hanging all over?

    the utter hobag, naturally, was an unrecognizable, dred-haired, hippified jennifer aniston. and so i witnessed the beginning of the perfect celebrity union. a memory that will be forever captured on tape as i prove my inability to act like a normal person when famous people are within a 20-foot radius of me. i think it'll one day be my downfall.

    • Comments

    humiliations-via-catheter-ray

    I don't think you're using your TV correctly.

    Posted by: brian on October 20, 2004 09:33 AM

    oops. you know what i'm talking about, though? what's that thingy called?

    Posted by: catherine on October 20, 2004 09:45 AM

    I was at both of those Radiohead shows AND the 930 Club gig as well. I totally remember seeing Brad and Jen there, it was right when they started being and item. Too funny.
    And Phil was v. nice when I met him. Did I ever show you my pic with Ed Obrien?

    Posted by: information leafblower on October 20, 2004 11:03 AM

    cathode ray! that's what i meant. so people think i'm not inserting like, surgical tubes from my television.

    kyle: i love ed. he is all that is hot and good. at that same show with the phil-sticker incident, i saw ed coming out of the back door, but he was two blocks away before i noticed it. i'm not ashamed to say that i literally sprinted after him (along with some chick on CRUTCHES) in order to get his autograph.

    Posted by: catherine on October 20, 2004 12:24 PM

    I was drinking in the lobby bar at the Renaissance Pittsburgh watching basketball one evening when John Cusack leaned across the bar, said excuse me to me, asked me about the game and ordered a drink. I've always made it a point not to act as if I recognize a celebrity. Later that evening, as I got my drink on, I was headed toward the washroom as he was exiting and I said "love your work" to which he said "thank you." Then I thought, oh shit, "love your work" that's so lame and has been so lampooned, I should have just gave him the updated score on the game.

    As to debates, I have to have my drink on to watch Bush debate. I'm much more critical of his performance than my peers are. Its been painful for me to watch these last two. But the gin helps.

    And finally, football drives me to drink. I cannot watch a Seminoles or Jaguars game without a good steady drink on. And I still pace around like a mad man, chanting santeria spells and praying out loud.

    So I know how you feel.--s

    Posted by: j.scott barnard on October 20, 2004 01:12 PM

    hah. scott, i think you and i have a lot in common in our sports watching rituals. i can barely watch the skins if they're doing poorly, and if they're doing well, i have to pray, drink, and watch very intently, never really believing that they're going to pull it out.

    Posted by: catherine on October 20, 2004 01:25 PM

    hahaha, your catheter remark made me spit out my drink. omg, Ian Somerhalder is hot.

    Posted by: Naomi on October 20, 2004 01:54 PM

    btw, I think you should at least make a midi file/sound bite or something out of your Radiohead/Brad Pitt exchange. It sounds too hilarious. Tom??? help her out...

    Posted by: Naomi on October 20, 2004 02:00 PM

    I think about you every time I have to hide behind a pillow, Catherine. I've even almost thrown one to you until I realized that you were thousands of miles away. hehe. Us "hiding-behind-pillow" people need to stick together.

    Posted by: Lisa on October 20, 2004 02:06 PM

    hiders-behind-pillowers unite!

    Posted by: catherine on October 20, 2004 02:50 PM

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