jeff, help me out
I should probably say this more often: I don't really know what I'm talking about. Everything I write on this site is just an opinion, and frequently an ill-informed one at that. Sure, I think I can offer decent advice about what mp3 player you might like to buy. But it's just one guy's take. Next to the authoritative luminaries of the blogosphere, I am but a mote.
Almost. There is one thing about which I feel fully qualified to hold forth: The Simpsons -- at least when I can draw on the collective knowledge of my friends. Now the internet's arguably biggest blogger has decided to opine on which character on the Simpsons will be outed as gay in the coming season. He's wrong. Let's go.
I should preface all of this by saying that it really could be anybody -- the show has descended into a pale shadow of itself, fully embracing stupid situational comedy over the compassionate character-based humor of its season 3-6 golden age. The show's creative team no longer understands what they're doing. They repeat jokes from seasons ago -- gags that writers have seen and internalized during their childhood, then accidentally reinjected into the series from which it came. Or they use jokes that they have previously ridiculed classless knock-offs like Family Guy for making.
But just because the show's authors might be too stupid to pick the right character doesn't mean we should excuse others who commit the same sin. So: onward with the eliminations. Sullivan rightly discounts Smithers as a possibility -- too obvious, and the show's creators have said they envisioned him more as a "Burns-sexual" than a homosexual, although this has changed over the years. Sullivan wrongly states that Smithers is already out of the closet (he is to viewers, but not to most other characters on the show). Still, I don't think it'll be Smithers.
Sullivan's initial post lists a bunch of possibilities:Patty, Carl, Jimbo, Groundskeeper Willie or... Flanders?!
Patty's man-hatred wouldn't be quite so funny if she were a lesbian -- it'd just be a gross stereotype. Plus, she's already Patty Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure-Bouvier (and -- almost -- Skinner). Carl -- well, more on him later. Jimbo? Gay teenagers are not exactly a laugh riot. Not to mention that we've had laughs at Jimbo's expense for his being surprisingly effeminate before -- another stereotype the writers should want to avoid. Willie mistook a rake for Fergie while in a drug-induced hallucination, and proceeded to get amorous with it -- seems like he's straight. Making Flanders gay could only be played for laughs at the expense of christianity -- something that would betray the character completely. And we'd have to forget that he's been married, slept with a starlet, and flirted with a female christian singer. Besides, he's going to be good for too many jokes in a gay marriage episode to waste his character by making him in favor of it.
These are bad guesses, but not terrible ones. It's the guesses Sully entertains from his readers that are really, really bad: Wiggum and Skinner. First -- Wiggum's been married to his wife Sarah for years. In the Valentine's Day episode (the one with the Elton John cameo), we hear him beg her for sex ("Sarah, please. Sarah, it's ten dollars a pill.").
Skinner is an even worse guess. He pursued Patty, and more recently has been dating Edna Krebapple. Yeah, he's neat and Mama's boy. Again, that's not the type of mean joke the writers will want to make.
Sullivan's initial guess of Carl Carlson, Homer's black coworker, is the only good one. My bet would be on his counterpart Lenny, and maybe Carl. We've seen Lenny with a woman before -- one night when Homer calls him to go out, he claims to be watching the game, but is actually on his knees shaving a woman's unpleasantly hairy legs (her head is not shown, but she yells, "shave up, not down, idiot!"). This is a throwaway scene, though, which I believe has been dropped for syndication. Plus, it seems like a pretty unpleasant relationship. In other, more recent episodes, we learn that he wants Carl's face to be the last thing he sees before he dies, and that he spent a summer carving a Mt. Rushmore-style monument to Carl.
Carl usually responds to these bizarre professions of love with disdain. But maybe he's just not into public displays of affection -- unrequited homosexual love is another storyline that I don't think would go over all that well. I suspect Lenny and Carl are an item.
So my money is on Lenny and Carl getting together. Selma is an outside possibility too, although, again, the lonely man-hater is not exactly the positive depiction of lesbians that the Simpsons' lefty creators are likely to want to put forward. Other candidates that wouldn't make much sense but don't have much evidence against them: Kent Brockman, Sideshow Mel, Gil the salesman, and Herman the military antique store owner. And then there are characters that the show's writers may have forgotten were pictured with wives, girlfriends or in pursuit of women before: Dr. Nick, Superintendent Chalmers, Disco Stu, Professor Frink, Barney, Fat Tony, Hans Moleman, and the Squeaky-Voiced Teenager.
My money's still on Lenny.
Comments
Do you ever talk about The Simpsons now without taking a shot at The Family Guy?
Apparently not. But really, my hatred is piqued by the Simpsons' decline. It's a sign of the increasing weakness of my position that I have to keep reinforcing it. I'll sadly admit that I imagine a new family guy episode would make me laugh harder than a new simpsons episode.
But I still think that's only possible because FG shamelessly steals from classic Simpsons at every turn.
Dude, no mention of Krusty? He had a kid during Gulf War I if I remember correctly (maybe it was Kosovo?) but has been romantically attached to no one. But always attached to a young sideshow lad.
Oooh, wait, I didn't see the part about the gay marriage. Don't know that I see Krusty settling down—though Simpsons could raise the issue of gay marriage without performing one.
It's too bad the show is too terrible for words, because I'd like to see how this would have panned out before season 6 or so.
Kurt van Hooten. Milhouse's dad was driven to the pickle by his ex-wife's leaving him.
Krusty could, I suppose, be a possibility -- for how much of a sleazebag he is, we haven't seen him chase much tail over the years. Still, we did once see Chief Wiggum walk into a porno theater where Krusty was. So if Krusty's a candidate, so's the Chief...
The Kurt Van Houten thing crossed my mind, but in practice it'd just be too creepy for words.
One other possibility: Captain McAlister (the sea captain). He's been explicitly outed in two separate episodes, iirc (via jokes about the seafarin' lifestyle and homosexuality). Though he did once lecherously take a photo of the elder bouvier sisters as they rode through a festival naked.
I guess it's all a question of how much hetero evidence you're willing to brush aside in any character's case. There's contradictory evidence for just about every candidate except Smithers.
Honestly, tommy, the Simpsons' continued run has me so emotionally drained, it's hard to care about anything anymore. I'm all out of tears. I suppose the smart bet is, as you've said, Lenny. The Lenny/Carl dyad were hilarious as peripheral elements to the ridulousness that was Homer in the workplace, ("Everything okay, Homer? I've never seen you have so many lunch beers.") But in these dwindling seasons the writers have pushed more and more this odd reverence the denizens of Springfield hold for *the* Carl Carlson - especially in the eyes of Lenny Leonard. But in my opinion, the more central they are in plotlines, the funnier they ain't. So my gut tells me that an entire episode about Lenny coming out is the natural end to this plot arc. Plus, it will let them explore Homer's confusion and ignorance upon revealing that his friend is homosexual. By which I mean, it will let them rehash the jokes from that other old episode where home befriends a gay man, voice by whoeverthehell it was. BUT that's not the correct answer.
Look at what's happened to the Simpsons lately... They're so bereft of ideas that they're poking fun of South Park and Family Guy - shows that owe their entire existence to the Simpsons. It's sunk so far in my eyes that I'm fully prepared to expect the absolute worst, most outlandish and most asinine plot revelation imaginable. So I'm going to say it's Lisa. For the sole reason that I think it's a bad idea. Big Gay Lisa. That's what we can call her. Hmph.
Hey, I love the classic Simpsons as much as anyone, but no need to take shots at the Family Guy. I'm not sure how they could NOT steal a little something from as seminal a cartoon as the Simpsons.
And, hey, FG at least passes this litmus test that the Simpsons (currently) fails: When it comes on Adult Swim every night, I know I'm going to laugh. That probably has more to do with its short run, but still.
Nobody's mentioning Comic Book Guy. Anyone who watches Queer as Folk knows that comic books and gay go together like water intoxication and a wicked hangover.
no way. comic book guy had an affair with skinner's mother. and it was gross.
look at me! i know simpsons stuff!
I think that only strengthens my case. On a completely unrelated note, has anyone else seen Napoleon Dynamite? I wasn't dying when i saw it, but I have literally been thinking about it all week and doubling over with laughter in the middle of vaginal hysterectomies. Which really cramps the whole sterile field thing, by the way.
It's gotta be Lenny. From the few episodes I've seen on the past few seasons, it seems to be hinted at anyway. At least I saw it that way.
Kinda wish Futurama was still on; that's a great show. Although, having said that, I guess the fact it hasn't been on TV for 15 years (or however long the Simpsons has been on) makes a difference. I really do feel it was getting into its stride when Fox canned it, though.
you can catch futurama reruns on adult swim all the time, and they're hilarious.
you can catch futurama reruns on adult swim all the time, and they're hilarious.
I'm with you, Scott. While Napoleon Dynamite was pretty funny on-screen, it is HILARIOUS afterwards when you say all those stupid lines to your friends. It's a strange phenomenon. Geeezth Napoleon!
Worst...post...ever.
My lips hurt really BAD! GOD.
I brought you this delicious bass.
Jeff, I understand how you feel. But as sympathetic as I am to casting the creators' betrayal of their show in the worst light possible, I think it's only strayed from good to not-good. I don't quite believe it's, well, anti-good. So I think they'll make a boring, safe choice that probably has contradictory evidence in past episodes. Something they can ignore in the future, except for a few background cameos. Not something huge, like Lisa being gay.
Plus, Lisa's still 8. That seems a little young for a sexual awakening. Or, more accurately, a televised sexual awakening. (I should probably point out that all of my earlier handwringing over stereotypes should be viewed as relevant only as it pertains to craven network executives.)
While there is no 100% respectable character in the show, I have a feeling it will be someone in the upper echelon of admirability, as they don't want a nation of queers getting angry because the only gay guy on the show is a morbidly obese misanthrope like comic book guy. My guesses: Spanish Bumble Bee Guy or Lisa's grade school teacher...Mrs..? Jeff or Tommy, whats her name anyway
hoover. and I like that. good guess.
bumblebee guy's got a wife, though, as we saw in the "N short films about springfield" episode (sorry, my memory has slipped).
While Bumbleman Man is probably one of the more nuanced and referenced characters since J.D. Salinger's Holden Caulfield, and a revelation regarding his sexual orientation would tender a critical revolution, I imagine that Groening is all too cognizant of the degree to which the outing of Bumblebee Man would inflame the culture wars to take this literary leap.
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