we're gathered here today to have a totally sucky time
some of you who know me well may be aware of the fact that i am slightly terrified at the idea of marriage. the thought of picking one person out of 200 trazillion other people to spend eternity with – well, that i can handle. it’s the thought of what life post-marriage would be like; no doubt it’s an existence filled with important decisions about which kind of eggshell-colored venetian blinds look perfect in the living room, or how best to sabotage that one brat in my kid’s second grade class who got first prize at the science fair when CERTAINLY MY CHILD DESERVED IT MOST FOR THE SOLAR-POWERED GARDEN EXPERIMENT THAT I SPENT THREE WEEKS ON FOR GOD'S SAKE. i mean, he. that he spent three weeks on.
yes, i know marriage really means a forever rainbow of love and puppies and deep, emotional life-altering commitment, but when i see married couples my age i think a) hah, who do they think they’re kidding? they can’t possibly be happy, or b) run, run run away now, RUN! and if you think i’m bad, you clearly haven’t mentioned the word marriage in front of tommy, because then you would have seen the huge swaths of nervous hives that his entire body breaks out into and how his left eye develops this little spastic tic. it’s adorable!
so it certainly doesn’t help my situation that today i’ve found yet another reason to avoid marriage for as long as earthly possible: the workplace bridal shower.
there’s this lovely girl, n., here at my work, who’s about two months older than me and is getting married to her boyfriend of like, 21 years, or something, at the end of july. i get a wedding update a few times a week -- what color she's decided on for bridesmaid dresses, how the florist just doesn't understand exactly what she's trying to convey through the rose arrangements, that her music teacher from elementary school is playing pachelbel's canon on the flute as she walks down the aisle or something. and i eat it up. i love hearing about wedding details, especially kind of hokey, sweet wedding details, as long as they are very far removed from me. (but note to self: if ever do succumb to marriage, do not have pachelbel's canon played while walking down aisle. doom.)
since the wedding is only a couple of weeks away, a few coworkers decided that we should throw a surprise wedding shower. much insane planning was involved, yards of tulle were bought, and everybody in the company was asked to bring a dish of food and buy a present. of course, i have no problem buying some carrots and dip or what have you, or purchasing a present that the happy couple would enjoy.
but it's never that easy with bridal showers, apparently. not only did we have to buy a present, but we had to buy a present with a specific theme -- either morning, afternoon, or night, and we discovered which theme we were assigned by picking elaborately-ms paint-designed am/pm/night cards out of a hat. no, i couldn't just run to bed bath and beyond and buy n. a fancy dish towel like i had planned. i now had to use all my mental powers to decide on a present that was both appropriate for a married couple and had to do with the evening. something as creepy as lingerie was out of the question, and though my other coworker said i should just screw it and get them a big dildo from the pleasure place in dupont, i passed on that idea too. luckily, the day before the shower, when i was panicked and thinking that i'd have to go to the CVS next door and buy them, like, prescription sleeping pills, two coworkers invited me to chip in on their perfectly normal present of wine, a nighttime tea set, and candle holders. brilliant.
but then, at the shower, came the truly terrible part. we had to play bridal shower games. now, i challenge you to think of a more uncomfortable scenario than sitting down with all of your middle-aged, deadly serious and/or boring coworkers to play "bridal mad libs" (all of which were horribly unfunny -- example sentence: 'the bride and groom can hire a _farmer_ to make sure that everything, including the _ferrets_, goes perfectly.' hysterical!). and then we had to watch the poor couple subject themselves to an about-to-get-married quiz in front of everybody, which apparently determines if you are a perfect couple or not by if you know the answers to questions such as "what is j.'s favorite flavor?" and "what animal is n. comparable to?" needless to say, they both performed miserably, and are now destined to be unhappy forever because n. couldn't remember the date of her fiance's brother's best friend's dog's birthday.
i know, i'm being way too cynical, and the rest of the shower was fine, and they got lovely presents, and they're going to be happy together forever and n. will no doubt soon have of millions of tiny creatures squirming around inside of her.
and surely the time will come, some day, far off the future, when i too will capitulate to that succubus known as "marriage". but when it happens, if any of you are still friends with me: please, for the love of god, if you have to throw me a bridal shower, no mad libs, okay? or anything cutesy. and god forbid, if you include any sort of themes, i will smite you. just bring fried chicken, booze, and maybe that really cute barware set from crate and barrel and that tuscan ceramic table setting from williams sonoma, okay? and then i'll be happy.
Comments
"...just bring fried chicken, booze, and maybe that really cute barware set from crate and barrel..."
Priceless post.--s
god, i never want to work in an office.
you are soooo Miranda!
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