FINALLY! an article that gets what *i* really want in my president -- a healthy ability to binge drink yourself into a stupor:

Many Americans have already chosen their candidate: the man who can be trusted to serve as commander in chief of the mightiest military; the man who can function under the fantastic pressure and scrutiny that will be applied to him; the man who can get the job done.

But is this man trustworthy enough to hold your legs during a keg stand?

"I think I would rather have Kerry hold my feet during a keg stand because, let's face it, you need... someone responsible to do something like that," Penn junior Patrick Carroll said.

"You wouldn't want to fall and chip your teeth on the keg or something, and I could just picture 'college-era' Bush seeing a hot girl across the room and dropping everything he was doing to go talk to her," the Kappa Alpha brother said.

...

Others fraternity brothers at the University of Pennsylvania felt experience and physical hardiness trump character when it comes to the man keeping his head from suddenly meeting keg or floor.

"I'd trust that Bush has a lot more experience around kegs than Kerry," Pi Kappa Alpha brother Alex Brodsky said.

"Bush is a bit tougher," he continued. "I'm a big boy, 200-plus pounds, and I'd imagine that Kerry might have a hard time lifting me up."

and then the quote that speaks most to my heart:

...Brodsky himself, despite a demonstrated commitment to the Republican Party through his work for a Republican state senator in Pittsburgh, does not intend to vote for Bush -- even though Bush is the only candidate to whom he'd offer a bid to join Pi Kappa Alpha.

"Nader wouldn't have a chance," Brodsky explained. "Kerry is cool because he has morals, something G.W. and Nader do not, but George Bush is the only one that I can see playing Beirut [aka Beer Pong] while shot-gunning a Natty Ice. So I guess I'd have to pick Bush."

damn straight; i can totally see bush being a great beer pong partner. maybe i should reconsider my vote. [via pandagon]

and once and for all, can somebody explain to me why seemingly everybody north of maryland calls beer pong "beirut"? i'm sure jeff or another person has explained it to me, but it was probably not while i was sober. if no one can offer up a good reason, i suggest a bill to get rid of the retarded misnomer.

shorter tom ridge: there's gonna be a terrorist attack, that will happen sometime, somewhere, to some people, using some weapons, by some terrorists, and we will try our best to protect you in some manner. good day.

i know i'm not the first person to notice this, but the differences between bush's home page and kerry's are actually really astounding. you get to bush's site, and the first thing you see is this dire looking dark-toned ad (where it looks like the capitol building is about to be wiped out by a tsunami) stating "WORST RECORD IN THE SENATE" then populated with dozens of tiny little pictures of kerry's head. needless to say, it's a little creepy.

the second thing you see is a block of text surrounding a small picture of kerry and edwards, entitled "THE RAW DEAL." this follows: When John Kerry’s first choice for a running mate turned him down, he turned to the polls.
After stating that he needed a vice president who could step in as President, John Kerry chose the one man he called too inexperienced to be President just months ago. Learn more about Kerry's Second Choice

okay...

then the NEXT TWO THINGS YOU SEE are these two buttons:

then there's a tiny picture of bush with an ad, and then, below that, is another goddamned ad about kerry, with his picture. kerry is on the page like 5x more than bush is. overall, the site is incredibly negative (obviously), with lots of dark colors, bad spacing choices, and it makes me think that WE ARE ALL ABOUT TO DIE.

whereas on kerry's site, there's a splash page with a big smiley picture of the two johns, and an invitation to sign up for their mailing list. on the main page, the big smiley johns picture is repeated again (because it gives you the warm fuzzies), and then there's a lot of whitespace, light blues, and nice, clear font (verdana, perhaps?)

what follows on the rest of the page is a list of these sections:

Spirit of America Bus Tour (kerry making buddies with a farmer type guy)

A Realistic Path in Iraq (kerry looking presidential in front of a flag)

Fighting for American Jobs (more kerry at a podium)

Send your Friends an E-Card (you can send your friends a fucking e-card with john kerry. that's like sending puppies)

Investing in High-Tech (kerry with cute little girl at a computer)

A Patients’ Bill of Rights (kerry foreground, big sign that says "CARE" blurry in background)

bush is not mentioned once on the page, nor is his picture shown.

and those, my friends, are the do's and do not's of a campaign website.

shorter peggy noonan (can actually be applied to any noonan column you choose): "i'm constantly on drugs!"

this column contains some classic noonerisms:

...The Edwardses' towheaded children looked like John-John and Caroline when they lived in the White House. It was all very glamorous in a way that Democrats like (Hyde Park, Hyannis, Clinton in Hollywood--we like big houses and boats, we have a secret weakness for wealth!) and Republicans don't (We're clearing brush here, get out of the way! We sleep in two twin beds held together at the posts by old rubber bands!)

...By the way, Republicans tend not to point at the crowd in this way. They wave. I think it's because their mothers taught them pointing is rude. Someday, in 2008 or 2012, there will, however, be a Republican pointer. And we will know history has truly changed. Because that man's mother will not have taught him that pointing is rude, for she was working 18 hours a day in a law firm, and forgot.

...By the way, I continue to be impressed by how Mr. Kerry plays Vietnam. He served four months in Vietnam, and everyone thinks it was years. It's like a guy showing up on the History Channel talking about the Pacific war, and breaking into tears as he remembers the bombardment. Gray head, sagging face, old aviator glasses. And then the interviewer says "Tell us how long you were there?" And the old guy chirps, "Oh, four months! Scratched my arm, got my ticket punched, and got out of Dodge!" If Mr. Kerry had not led with his weakness--if he had not boldly gone forth from day one presenting his candidacy as one of a Vietnam hero--the whole subject would at this point in the campaign be not a theme but an embarrassment. (ah, yes, the whole 'served combat time and won a bunch of awards' weakness that we're all familiar with, especially peggy, who actually served several tours in 'nam.)

who needs coffee to start off your morning when you have peggy?