so, i was thinking about this on sunday night after i caught a few minutes of the misery that was the nick and jessica variety of crap hour. i have never seen anything so unfunny in my life, and while nick lachey was alright up on stage bopping around during his musical numbers, i don't think i've ever seen a more terrible live performer than jessica simpson. her face contorted in all sorts of painful ways, she stood bow-legged the entire time, and her lips were rubbery and massive and terrifying.

it boggled the mind. well, my simple mind, anyway. here is a woman who, by all accounts and facts, is gorgeous, has an incredible body, cleavage that could launch a thousand ships, and is lusted after by millions of men. presumably.

then why in the world don't i find her to be even the littlest bit sexy? i mean, i know i'm a heterosexual female and all, but there are certain women who everyone just has to admit are earth-shattering in their sex appeal. however, when i look at jessica simpson, i just get a sense of staring at a life-sized kewpie doll with an nuclearly enhanced bust. she's wholely unthreatening and completely cold-fishy and just...blah. no sex buzz. i feel like if you're going to be some sort of sex symbol, your audience needs to believe in the possibility that you like sex so much that you are just going to jump off that magazine page and ravish everyone in a 50-foot radius. also needed, obviously: wit and intelligence and vivacity, all lacking in ms. simspon.

this is a feeling i get also from paris hilton and--dare i say it--beyonce knowles. paris hilton is self-explanatory (has anyone seen that recent men's mag cover she was on, wearing little and pursing her lips and looking like a drug-addled kitten?), but i have never, not even once, found beyonce to be the littlest bit sexy. i do like her music, and her voice is very nice and she can wail and dress sexy and writhe with the best of them--the elements are there--but offstage she's just too clean and wholesome. and every time she's acting sexy onstage, i feel like it's a completely calculated sexiness, not spontaneous or real in any way, only designed to achieve maximum marketability.

tommy said britney spears is someone who's in control of a legitimate sexuality and sex appeal, and i agree. but jessica simpson, paris hilton and beyonce knowles are just one big unsexy BLAH.