so, last night i watched the swan. those of you who know me or read this on a regular basis should be not at all surprised at that fact. i told myself several times that i would not, i repeat, NOT, be watching this disgusting, moral-less show. well, i should have known better.

the basic premise of the newest terrifying makeover reality tv show has been trumpeted on commercials for several weeks now: self-professed ugly-duckings go through massive physical and facial surgery, enormous weight loss, and at the end are judged in a beauty contest that will determine who, out of all the 'transformed', is the most beautiful.

so it goes that each show, two women will be featured exclusively, and we'll see their progress from start to finish. last night we saw kelly and rachel, who more or less looked exactly the same at the start--mousy brown hair, kind of dumpy, spotty skin and CRIPPLING SELF-CONFIDENCE PROBLEMS. which i think will be a recurring theme on the show. seriously--kelly was so insecure about her average body--which i imagine represents about 75% of what women in america look like today--that she had only had sex with her boyfriend EIGHT TIMES IN THREE YEARS. holy mother of god. however, her boyfriend was a lovely, sweet, supportive man, who seemed capable of putting up with kelly's frequent crying fits. the other contestant, rachel, had an asswipe of a husband who didn't call her once in the weeks after her massive surgery. rachel seemed more secure, but she was definitely one of those women who has married way, way below her level only because she didn't think she could do any better. so i was kind of glad when she came out absolutely smokin hot, because she is definitely going to leave that gutterhead in about two seconds.

honestly, the whole plastic surgery aspect of the show wasn't as extreme or as dreadful as i had expected. the women did look pretty different, but i thought that was mostly due to the fact that they had lost a lot of weight, had completely different hairstyles, gotten insta-tanned, and were wearing about 32 different levels of make-up. if you wiped their faces clean of the pancake, i think you could see that their features were mostly enhanced, not radically changed.

oh god. am getting sucked in.

the weight loss was more disturbing to me. the women had to lose 40+ pounds in under two months, with a diet of 1200 calories a day and twice-daily trips to the gym (yes, they went to the gym after they had facial reconstruction and major lipo, how healthy). what the fuck? that leaves them with about three calories to manage on. anyway, rachel wins this preliminary competition and is the one who goes on to compete in the beauty pageant, where the biggest and best swan will be determined.

overall: the show sucked. it was boring; the editing was slow; not to complicate the women's self-esteem problems, but they were incredibly dull and dull-witted; and since they were isolated for three months, only working out, eating lettuce and going into surgery 17 times, there was no interesting plot line to be developed or other characters to latch on to (the swan teams were terrible as well, with cold dead eyes and orange radiation skin).

thumbs down to the swan.

(i love how the swan gets a thumbs down from me not because its gross lack of morality and sole focus on a woman's physical appearance, but because it does not entertain me. my standards are nonexistent.)