shark, under optimal conditions

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posted by tom / March 29, 2004 /

When I was a little kid I never had enough pocket money to buy comics. This was a problem, because my best friend John Zedlewski not only had a comparatively luxurious allowance but also an older brother with a sizable comic collection. It was tough to keep up.

So I had to use what resources I had most efficiently, and that meant buying issues of Marvel Universe -- an incredibly dense comic book that alphabetized all of the characters in Marvel Comics' books and paired portraits with a few hundred words' worth of near-microscopic text. No storylines, just histories, known aliases and how many tons each could bench press "under optimal conditions" (for the record: The Thing, 80 tons; Hulk, 200; Captain America was only good for a downright wussy 800 lbs).

The point of this is that little boys need superhero fantasies the way drunks need booze, and if resources are scarce they will get their fix however possible. My available resources have risen, while maturity seems to have levelled off. Hence, some aesthetically defensible superhero-themed recommendations:

  • Watchmen by Alan Moore is widely considered the greatest graphic novel yet produced. Stan Lee invented (or at least popularized) the angst-driven, flawed superhero. A great innovation in comics, to be sure. Unfortunately, Lee is at heart a lovable hack (I aspire to be able to apply this sentence to myself). With Watchmen, Moore takes the flawed hero theme and shows what can be done with it by a real writer. The book's final act devolves into a conventionally silly superhero story, and its focus on Cold War themes obviously feels dated, even if it's appropriate for the material. Still, I can call this art and not feel like a complete jackass. Besides, don't you want to see what comes out of the brain of a guy who looks like this?

  • I don't know a lot about Hellboy other than the fact that the movie can't possibly be as bad as the trailers are making it look. I do know, however, that the movie is based on a pretty well-respected series of comics, and that some free webcomics are available online. I'm particularly fond of the corpse -- great art, and a storyline that doesn't aspire to anything
    other than being the nice mood piece that it is. I haven't had a chance to check most of them out, but there are several other comics available online for free; for a complete list, check out this page. Some of these use sound, so be sure to turn the volume down if you're at work.

  • Finally, I'll throw a shoutout to Neil Gaiman's American Gods, which I just finished. I'm way behind on this particular piece of the nerd-fiction canon; don't tell the guys at Slashdot. An enjoyable read, although people have been stealing this book's central idea for long enough that it doesn't exactly seem fresh. Still, it's a good execution of an interesting idea, and it does scratch your inner 10 year old boy's itch for superbeings.

Comments

what do you mean, "optimal conditions"? you mean if the pussy shark were like held in some sort of water coated force field and also had a flamethrower? yeah, maybe then.

Posted by: catherine on March 29, 2004 12:15 PM

Maybe he means when supersonic Flying Shark is Starscreaming his way through Flying Croc's fluttering frame.

Posted by: Kriston on March 29, 2004 12:23 PM

you're still a retard.

Posted by: catherine on March 29, 2004 12:26 PM

okay, i'll engage in a more mature debate than a retard-name-calling fest.

but you have to give me something to work with. the underdog? that's a tired argument, though i can see how it would work with someone you can pity, a la rudy. however, i do not pity an evil blood-drinking shark with a jetpack. poor thing. nope.

kriston, you also cite the fact that the shark would be faster with this jetpack. okay. let's take a look here. does a shark have the opposable thumbs necessary to properly manuever a jetpack? no, all he's got are two useless flippers! i might be willing to give the shark a chance here if he wings like the crocodile. but really, i think in this case that the jetpack is a liability, not an asset. therefore shark=loser.

and tommy still hasn't on what these mystical 'optimal conditions' might be. not to mention that no one has addressed the whole 'shark dying immediately upon being taken out of the water' problem.

Posted by: catherine on March 29, 2004 12:56 PM

The beauty of "under optimal conditions" is that it remained vague. Better yet, Marvel Universe would use that phrase 90% of the time... but sometimes, sometimes it would say "under normal conditions" or "under good conditions". I remain convinced this was to give nerds like myself a way to keep the "who would win in a fight between Captain X and Dr. Y" argument going.

Posted by: tom on March 29, 2004 02:25 PM

Definitely. That's how I still contend that the X-Men could take out Iron Man, which was an argument that raged over several years of my life. Nowhere near as cut-and-dry as FS vs FC.

Posted by: Kriston on March 30, 2004 12:24 AM

these sharks do NOT have laser beams or whatever the hell that is, justin. sheesh. i mean, if they did have laser beams, i might have to concede.

Posted by: catherine on March 30, 2004 12:54 PM

i got served :(

im going to go with Crocodile, simply because I bet he has a tight austrailian accent.

Shark: "Have you seen Nemo?"
Croc: "Crikeys! I've gots me some razor sharp teeth, bloke"
Shark: "Fuck"
Fat Lady: "Do-Re-Mi..."

Posted by: justin on March 30, 2004 10:17 PM

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