an important debate
i was reminded of this debate for some reason today, as i was browsing through various blogs. if you're an adult swim fan (and let's hope, if you read this blog, you are, or i dunno if i want to be friends with you anymore), you probably know what i'm talking about when i reference the flying shark vs. the flying crocodile debate. and if you don't, by god, go check it out.
the question is simple: in a battle between a flying shark and a flying crocodile, who would win?
apparently the viewers' votes were revealed last night on cartoon network, but as i was passed out by like, 9pm, i don't know what the ultimate consensus was.
but really, it seems so superbly clear to me: the crocodile would fricking kick the shark's ass.
my reasons are many:
-the crocodile has actual wings, not just a possibly-malfunctioning jetpack like the shark. so if he were born with these wings, it is probable that he has become very adept at flying, therefore being much more agile in the middle of the air than the shark.
-the crocodile has limbs, with massive claws, in addition to his teeth. the shark only has teeth, and while they're a formidable set, they don't really pose a threat seeing as the shark only has flippers to beat the crocodile around the head with. also, the crocodile has a bad-ass tail he can swing around.
-the crocodile has like, fucking..like full-body armor. the shark is JUST CARTILAGE! he'd be ripped to shreds.
-even humans can dissuade a shark by like, beating it on the snout. that clearly does not work on a mad crocodile.
-and what i see as the most obvious liability of all, even though no one seems to want to discuss it, is the fact that this fight takes place in the middle of the SKY! not the middle of the OCEAN. the shark would suffocate like two minutes out and fall dead to earth with his possibly-malfunctioning jetpak.
nuff said. crocodile=winner. as one adult swim staff member says on the web page: "only retards would pick the flying shark."
Comments
How very safe of you, Catherine. And it's that sort of conventional thinking that gives Flying Shark his most awesome advantage: He's the underdog. The runt. The Rudy. You underestimate him, you only make him stronger.
Flying Shark's lithe, agile form would serve him well if it was at all clear that Flying Crocodile could ever get anywhere near him. Perhaps you missed Flying Shark's awesome jet pack. We have seen in the world of aviation that jet packs are considerably faster and louder than wings. What's Croc supposed to do with his sissy cherub gear? So long as Flying Shark flies in a zig-zag pattern, Flying Croc won't even be able to come after him.
I'm shocked, perhaps apalled, but mostly just embarrassed that you've endorsed Flying Crocodile.
you're a retard.
Kriston, thank you for being a voice of reason in this debate.
Catherine, I will now proceed with my rhetorical onslaught, point by point:
- You maintain that "natural" wings are superior to a jetpack. So, then, a puffin would win in a fight against an F-15?
- Massive claws? Hardly. Let's also remember that crocodiles can be incapacitated by holding their jaw shut. In fact, I've seen this very act performed on MTV by some of the also-rans from Jackass. Do you really think Chris Pontius is more formidable than a flying shark? No. Therefore, shark wins. It's called the transitive property.
- The crocodile has armor, to be sure -- but enough to withstand the crushing power of a flying shark's jaws? Unlikely. In this case, the shark's cartilaginous frame will probably help it: in the event of the combatants disabling each others' mechanisms for flight -- a near-certainty in a battle this vicious -- the flexible cartilage would sustain a fall easily. Shark could then flop his way to an easy victory over his opponent's splintered frame.
- the snout-attacking argument is, frankly, too ridiculous to even merit a response.
- "and what i see as the most obvious liability of all, even though no one seems to want to discuss it, is the fact that this fight takes place in the middle of the SKY! not the middle of the OCEAN." So, this is one of those crocodiles that lives in the sky that we're talking about, then?
- finally, allow me to point out that Kriston and I are boys. We are naturally predisposed to know about things like violence and flying abominations. Perhaps you'd care to speculate as to how Crocodile will feel after his loss, or the relative merits of the combatants' outfits.
I can be more offensive, but this will do for now
This is a strong response and I whole-heartedly concur. Flying Shark and Flying Crocodile aren't meeting you and Sue for brunch. This is a royal rumble, a battle-fest to the gory, inevitable death, and you must recognize that Tommy and I are both far more experienced in such.
hello? cock-slapper here?
i know violence. and you both know i could beat you up.
I think I've discovered an interesting phenomenon, one that gives this whole debate an [even] deeper significance.
If you go to the adult swim site's staff recommendation pages, you will notice that
I think we can safely group the shims under the female category -- remember bio, the default setting for nature is female. So clearly there is some male-only characteristic that allows us to see the truth behind this conflict: Shark's inevitable victory.
Personally, I this this is a pretty earth-shattering discovery, second only to the fact that there are two actual women working on Adult Swim.
look, in any such mortal kombat, it inevitably comes down to which contestant "wants it more," to use the sports parlance. and i believe every boy, in his heart of hearts, or perhaps in his proverbial of proverbials (nads), where emotions register strongest and truest, knows that sports are the ultimate measuring stick for life.
thus, men overwhelmingly favor the shark. why? because that dude spends his entire day relentlessly swimming in tireless pursuit of "starting some shit" 24/7/365. the alligator, however, attacks whichever unsuspecting victim bumbles by, grabbing the weakling by his or her most vulnerable spot -- the proverbial and dispicable cheap shot. then it's back to sitting around in the pool. so he is also lazy.
because the shark wants it so badly, he would easily overcome all of the aforementioned obstacles, from ashy skin to malfunctioning equipment. those adult swim androgynomes are just picking alligator to look like nice, sensitive guys, since they lack the testesterone and the sheer rage it takes to get laid on a regular basis. believe me, i know all about it.
tommy, your women-only-choosing-the-croc argument proves only that, well, women are smarter.
also, why will no one address the fact that the shark WOULD IMMEDIATELY DIE? i know you all like to suspend logic, but come on now.
No one's suspending logic in the slightest in this discussion. Clearly Flying Shark is fine or he wouldn't fly. I mean, really.
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