When I was a little kid I never had enough pocket money to buy comics. This was a problem, because my best friend John Zedlewski not only had a comparatively luxurious allowance but also an older brother with a sizable comic collection. It was tough to keep up.

So I had to use what resources I had most efficiently, and that meant buying issues of Marvel Universe -- an incredibly dense comic book that alphabetized all of the characters in Marvel Comics' books and paired portraits with a few hundred words' worth of near-microscopic text. No storylines, just histories, known aliases and how many tons each could bench press "under optimal conditions" (for the record: The Thing, 80 tons; Hulk, 200; Captain America was only good for a downright wussy 800 lbs).

The point of this is that little boys need superhero fantasies the way drunks need booze, and if resources are scarce they will get their fix however possible. My available resources have risen, while maturity seems to have levelled off. Hence, some aesthetically defensible superhero-themed recommendations:

• Watchmen by Alan Moore is widely considered the greatest graphic novel yet produced. Stan Lee invented (or at least popularized) the angst-driven, flawed superhero. A great innovation in comics, to be sure. Unfortunately, Lee is at heart a lovable hack (I aspire to be able to apply this sentence to myself). With Watchmen, Moore takes the flawed hero theme and shows what can be done with it by a real writer. The book's final act devolves into a conventionally silly superhero story, and its focus on Cold War themes obviously feels dated, even if it's appropriate for the material. Still, I can call this art and not feel like a complete jackass. Besides, don't you want to see what comes out of the brain of a guy who looks like this?


• I don't know a lot about Hellboy other than the fact that the movie can't possibly be as bad as the trailers are making it look. I do know, however, that the movie is based on a pretty well-respected series of comics, and that some free webcomics are available online. I'm particularly fond of the corpse -- great art, and a storyline that doesn't aspire to anything
  other than being the nice mood piece that it is. I haven't had a chance to check most of them out, but there are several other comics available online for free; for a complete list, check out this page. Some of these use sound, so be sure to turn the volume down if you're at work.


• Finally, I'll throw a shoutout to Neil Gaiman's American Gods, which I just finished. I'm way behind on this particular piece of the nerd-fiction canon; don't tell the guys at Slashdot. An enjoyable read, although people have been stealing this book's central idea for long enough that it doesn't exactly seem fresh. Still, it's a good execution of an interesting idea, and it does scratch your inner 10 year old boy's itch for superbeings.

italy: the only country who would use isoelectric focusing and Nuclear Magnetic Resonance to prove what real buffalo mozzarella is.

jesus. the article also says that imported buffalo mozzarella costs $15/lb in the us. man. i miss the eurospin. where no grocery shopping expedition ever ran you more than ten euro, twenty if you were cooking for dozens.

i was reminded of this debate for some reason today, as i was browsing through various blogs. if you're an adult swim fan (and let's hope, if you read this blog, you are, or i dunno if i want to be friends with you anymore), you probably know what i'm talking about when i reference the flying shark vs. the flying crocodile debate. and if you don't, by god, go check it out.

the question is simple: in a battle between a flying shark and a flying crocodile, who would win?

apparently the viewers' votes were revealed last night on cartoon network, but as i was passed out by like, 9pm, i don't know what the ultimate consensus was.

but really, it seems so superbly clear to me: the crocodile would fricking kick the shark's ass.

my reasons are many:

-the crocodile has actual wings, not just a possibly-malfunctioning jetpack like the shark. so if he were born with these wings, it is probable that he has become very adept at flying, therefore being much more agile in the middle of the air than the shark.

-the crocodile has limbs, with massive claws, in addition to his teeth. the shark only has teeth, and while they're a formidable set, they don't really pose a threat seeing as the shark only has flippers to beat the crocodile around the head with. also, the crocodile has a bad-ass tail he can swing around.

-the crocodile has like, fucking..like full-body armor. the shark is JUST CARTILAGE! he'd be ripped to shreds.

-even humans can dissuade a shark by like, beating it on the snout. that clearly does not work on a mad crocodile.

-and what i see as the most obvious liability of all, even though no one seems to want to discuss it, is the fact that this fight takes place in the middle of the SKY! not the middle of the OCEAN. the shark would suffocate like two minutes out and fall dead to earth with his possibly-malfunctioning jetpak.

nuff said. crocodile=winner. as one adult swim staff member says on the web page: "only retards would pick the flying shark."

a few examples of why the italian court system is, well, fucked up.

the short article focuses on three recent court decisions: one, it is now illegal to kick your dog, and one sicilian man was punished for doing so by being fined 5,000 euro. even though the dog only suffered what appeared to be 'psychological' damage. however, the judge declined to state how one would measure the psychological damage of a canine.

two, now making a threat against your mother-in-law, even if it's not overt or some sort of physical action, is punishable by law. being like, sassy, is simply enough. "The court said, 'Even an attitude or behavior not accompanied by any verbal expression can amount to a threat.'"

and finally, it is also illegal, as ruled by the court, to make fun of the physical size of your political opponent. this stemmed from a case concering a calabrian man who offended his opponent by stating that she was stealing funds to "fatten" her behind. okay!

also, i don't know who is the graphic designer over at abcnews (where this article came from), but they should be fired, or sent back to the fifth grade: