Hi Everybody!
Man, have I been itching for some unconstructive blog time. I've got plenty to post about -- I know the world is yearning for my latest comic book recommendations. And I also went to the Institute for Politics, Democracy & the Internet's Politics Online conference shindig, where I met a lot of kinda-but-not-really important people, learned a word more irritating than blogosphere (it's "blogerati"), and think I had eyes made at me by the guy who writes daily kos.
But there's no time for that now! Instead I've been putting in 12 hour days at the office because of the actions of my company's sales staff, which could perhaps best be characterized as "laissez-faire honesty".
See, in the fast paced and exciting world of boring IT business shit, sometimes you put together a "capabilities" document explaining what your firm is and isn't qualified to do. When we wrote the last draft of ours, we had a guy fucking around with a program called SharePoint, so our business guys said "in a couple of months he'll be great -- put down 1, highly proficient".
So now we get a contract to do SharePoint stuff on a very short-term basis. Hmm. Turns out that guy never really learned SharePoint all that well. And anyway, he's in Miami right now, pretending to be an expert about a piece of software -- significant parts of which I've actually rewritten -- that he's never touched. The point is, he's busy defining the half-assed architecture I'll be forced to implement. But that's neither here nor there.
(Click the MORE link for my continued tale of woe)
So we've got this meeting. Me, the guy from our partner company who is so stupid he can barely eat, and our sales guy, who certainly has no knowledge of a technical or, seemingly, any other nature. I have never used SharePoint, but I am going into this meeting as an "expert". My boss knows what technologies SharePoint is related to, and he knows I know those technologies, so SharePoint should be a cinch. This is roughly analogous to saying, "You know how to build houses, right? I know that building houses involves wood [knowing this is called "due diligence" by businesspeople]. So you should have no problem making me a boat."
For half an hour before our meeting with the client, we're to meet with somebody from Microsoft who will demo this software to us in a McDonald's. We're directed to meet at a McDonald's at the intersection of South Capitol and Independence. There's even a map with little golden arches on it attached to the email.
I don't know how familiar you all are with DC's streets -- I know I'm not very knowledgeable on the subject. So I'll throw out this factoid so we can all better ourselves: South Capitol and Independence is not where McDonald's is. It's where Congress is. It's across the street from the Capital-C-Capitol. Now, maybe Congress has installed their own Mickey D's in a secured wing of the Capitol. Maybe there's just some budget-cutting measure planned and the Longworth building is set to be replaced by a soda fountain, playplace and one of those Ronald-on-a-bench statues with the dead, dead eyes. Perhaps the meeting planner's definition of "a McDonald's" was just overly broad, and they meant to say the more technically accurate "a place". I don't know. But I ended up walking two metro stops to the nearest place that made hamburgers, instead of just legislation and ethics scandals.
Cold and irritated, I sit through the presentation. It's useless. We go to meet with the client. There are handicapped protesters surrounding the building, so we have to make our way through some tunnels from the connecting buildings. It's hard to get angry at people in wheelchairs beyond those featured in It's a Wonderful Life. Still, I am not feeling a lot of solidarity with their cause. Perhaps this is because I have no idea what their cause is. However, they are all wearing purple vests, so perhaps they are protesting that.
We meet the client. He's the type of guy who clips as much electronic shit as possible to his belt so that people know just how important he is. "I go from zero to asshole in about 5 seconds" he says, in a carolinian drawl. He ends a lot of sentences with an "OK?" that makes it clear he will be upset if he gets an answer. If you got him drunk I suspect he would tell you, in a revelatory tone, a lot of precise things about how special forces units operate, although it is obvious he has never been in the military. "Y'all are the Sharepoint experts," he says, "You tell me what I need."
"Er... uh... it'd be nice to have, uh, your inbox right there, right?"
Whatever. He doesn't care. Get something up. Do it fast. Secretary Thompson will be seeing this. His nerves are soothed when he shows us the command center he and his coworker built in 59 days, and we ooo and aaa on cue. There are lots of desks, and futuristic lighting. There are at least a dozen plasma screens showing live news feeds, and realtime maps of things. If the Surgeon General is ever given nuclear strike authority, he is all set to use it. In the absence of this capability, the plasma screens' utility remains unknown.
Back in the office. The client has already done all of the configuration on the server, which we thought we'd have to do. Haha! Lucky for us. Looks like all that's left to do is Tom's part. Which is... everything.
What would you do if I sat you down in front of a computer and told you to come up with a working SharePoint portal site prototype by Thursday? Would you have any idea what the fuck I'm talking about? Don't worry; neither would I. Let's see, I think I remember SharePoint being installed on some machine in the office... better figure out which one. What is it that SharePoint does again?
It's Wednesday now. I've been here till 9:30 the last two nights, and what I've got now is a site that represents -- and this is not hyperbole -- probably about an hour of a trained SharePoint professional's time. I know this is not hyperbole because I've been consulting with a trained SharePoint professional, and he told me "that's about an hour's worth of work" (we are billing for 40 hours, by the way).
It's just embarassingly bad. Brent is not going to be happy, and it's going to take way less than 5 seconds for him to get that way. Unfortunately, SharePoint is not a very good piece of software, so there's no way to transfer the work I've done -- I just have to replicate it on site, with Brent standing over me. Tomorrow does not promise to be a fun day.
So hey, that's how my week has been shaping up. My boss knows I'm out the door if this happens again. I don't mind the stress -- but it seems like at the end of it, a visionary album or novel of fractured genius should pop out -- instead of just a shitty piece of software.
Comments
would you settle for a blog entry of fractured genius?
Sounds like your project's a bit like writing/listening to a Yes album.
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