before i start the recap, can i just say: episodes like tonight's show of america's next top model show how reality tv can be absolutely, totally wonderful and MIND-BLOWING.

anyway, i had been very excited for tonight's show, because as everyone knew, it was the *orgy episode*! previews showed the girls getting it on with every italian man in a three mile radius. unfortunately, the aftershock of ms jackson's boob resulted in the orgy being significantly cut down. oh well. i can only hope for extended scenes on the dvd.

so, the girls are still off in milano, and we get the requisite setting shots, such as fountains and a stylish woman talking on her cellphone while riding a bike. lovely milano.

only yoanna, shandi, april and mercedes remain. their first assignment is to go visit stephen fairchild, a well-known designer, who is going to teach them how to play up their attributes and hide their faults. mr. fairchild says he is going to teach them about "italian passssion." i don't know about this, because mr. fairchild looks like a fish, but okay. they do some dress up stuff for him. he redresses them so they look "better." it's made clear, AGAIN, that yoanna is 'fat' and has 'rolls of fat in her midriff.' whatever. who cares. let's get to the orgy.

that night, yoanna gives some hot italian boys a call, and about 20 of them materialize out of nowhere. they are hot, but in milan, boys like this are a dime a dozen. ALL the boys look like this. it's a nice city.

april, in her little aside, starts talking about the boys and how she'd like to get on them. she drops some choice quotes, such as explaining how italian men are great because you can "shop AND sleep" with them, and something about how if you're going to drop big bananas in a cage of gorillas, they will eat them up. i'm starting to like april.

in the living room, flushed with wine, yoanna somehow segues from talking about an mp3 player into making out with one of the boys. there's no in between. it's like, "do you have an mp3 player? i do. here it is. take me now!" props to yoanna.

there's a natural progression into the hot tub, where there's still like 20 italian guys and the four girls. this is where the orgy scene should have been. sniff. let's all have a moment for the orgy that could have been. instead, all we get is shandi passionately making out with one of the uglier italian guys. immediately after they have sex (not shown, thankfully, because i can't imagine that shandi looks like anything less than an alien naked), she's crying hysterically, and honestly, though i have no patience for cheaters, i feel bad for her. she seems sincerely torn up about the whole thing.

the next morning, the girls make their way to what i assume is the navigli flea market, where illegal north african immigrants bargain with you about fake luis vuitton purses. their assignment is to buy an entire outfit using only 200 euro. all the girls seem really into it, except for shandi, who wanders around like a dazed bag lady. the girls try on various articles of clothing, and i think it's mercedes who tries on a pair of pants that don't fit. so, of course, she goes to the non-english speaking vendor, "they are too BEEEG. TOO BEEEEG." i love how people think that foreigners will understand them as long as they speak in english that is a stereotypically accented version of the language.

next, the girls trip up to beautiful lake como, where mr. fairchild has a beautiful pink villa. they show off the outfits they put together. blah blah. fairchild picks shandi as the winner out of nowhere; i don't know why, she looks terrible and i do NOT think she has great legs. she has grasshopper legs. so shandi gets the prize of staying in a nice room in the villa, and she chooses yoanna to stay with her. those two also get to have dinner with mr. fairchild and his hoity-toity boring friends, who talk about, SHOCK, who their favorite model is, while the loser girls sit at the loner kiddy table. i'd rather be at the latter.

then, we have the much awaited confrontation between shandi and her cuckolded boyfriend!!! awesome. i'm completely ready to make fun of it. and i do. she says, "i've done the worst possible thing i could." and he, on cue, says, in like, the most screechy, freaked out adolescent voice, "YOU HAD SEX???"

i can't help it. it's so funny. they go back and forth, and he calls her a stupid bitch, and says stuff like, "how could you do this to me?? I MANAGE A WALGREENS@!!@" but then, i start to feel really terrible. they're both sobbing hysterically and it becomes totally heartwrenching. so i shut up with the snark.

the next day, the girls do a nude shoot, wearing only shoes and accessories. shandi and yoanna are paired, and april and mercedes are paired. i'm not going to lie. it's kind of hot. the girls look sexy, even alien grasshopper shandi, who always somehow transforms miraculously from skinny nerd girl to runway model during the shoots.

that night, the girls meet tyra for a cappucino. i know having a cappucino past 10am is totally gauche, but, well, cappucinos are good. i would have them all day long, too. they all have a wonderful girly talk, and tyra gives shandi some goddess advice. the girls clearly adore tyra. me too. i would sacrifice live animals to put at her altar.

anyway...this is long enough. blowing all of my preconceptions to the wind, APRIL IS KICKED OFF. man. she was beautiful; i totally thought it would be either her or shandi at the end. i cannot believe ms. lupus has gotten this far. she is very cute, but i just don't see it. but if tyra says it's so, so it must be.

man. i can't wait for the finale next week. my money is on shandi. any takers?

i was flipping through some of those hip hip new york blogs today (gawker, elizabeth spiers, tmftml, etc), and while i do like those blogs, the hipness of them eludes this d.c. girl completely so i only read them once in a while.

however, they've got some nifty things going on. i especially like the feature that gothamist does where they pick a random person, usually a shining blogstar, and interview them. wackiness ensues.

in fact, i like it so much, that i am going to steal it. not because i think having something like that will rocket me into the upper levels of blogger coolness, but just because, well, it'd be neat. the people who read this blog are my friends, many of whom don't know each other, and since i think all my friends are fabulous, it follows that they should all know each other. and then my blogroll can become even more incestuous.

so anyway, if you want to be interviewed, just email me. i was thinking scott or dellis might be good to start off this sporadic enterprise, but i'd love to have anyone take this up. or nominate someone else. whatever. just do it. please. as i'm bored.

i'm so tired. i think this sort of weather seeps into my head when i'm sleeping or something, so even though i've gotten a full night's of rest, i wake up completely groggy and fuzzy and out of it. one cup of coffee has not cut it. i might have to hit up the evil starbucks for some buzz. and i haven't been to starbucks in months. really, i've been doing well. i haven't paid for an overpriced, flavorless latte in a long, long time. and i'm not even missing it.

trivia night last night was absolutely terrible. and it wasn't even because we did poorly (though, of course, we did). it was supposed to be an "irish-themed" trivia night. apparently fado's idea of irish-themed is to have the event hosted by a belligerent, drunk englishman who seems charming and witty at first but quickly morphs into the nursery school teacher of death. the whole thing took so much longer than usual because he would not stop shouting at people to be quiet. hello, i'm all for decorum and being anal, but even i realize that we are at a freaking pub and there's no way you're going to shut up hundreds of guiness-drinking people just so you can recite some obscure irish query. fucker. needless to say, it was frustrating, and we left before finding out the results. blah. i just want the quizmistress. no one should be allowed up there except her. sometimes she tries too hard to be funny, but she's quick, speaks clearly, and is appropriately sassy. anyway, it was funny, because it turns out charles actually kind of knew the drunk english bastard -- apparently, he is a PUBLIC DEFENDER. hah. okay! i wonder if he's constantly yelling at his clients to pipe down and clean up after themselves.

in unrelated trivia anger news, it turns out that i am apparently now the vienna, virginia european travel expert. my family keeps directing people they know who are about to embark on a european vacation to me. i find this funny, because i am by no means an expert on anything, and my advice usually consists of "drink as much as possible." however, this evening, the mother of one of my brother's friends is supposed to be calling me to talk about, i don't know, whatever, because her son has decided to do the whole "go find yourself through europe" type thing. which, incidentally, i think is a great idea. i wish students here in the u.s. had a gap year sort of thing like they do in the uk.

anyway, i at least like pretending to be an expert, so here follow my european travel tips, some obvious and rote, some based on personal experience: