Five great reasons to buy a Hummer™
1.You've been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
2.You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
3.You're sick of always being the environment's goddamned bitch
4. You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit
5. They were all out of penises
sexy, sexy pizza. sexy garlic, sexy onions...perhaps brush your teeth before having the sex...but overall, sexy sexy.
man, the dec used to be so cool. now it's just issue after issue full of people whining about various occurences in what they think is a humorous and witty manner. i mean, i can't knock them too much solely for that -- whining in a self-perceived witty way is basically my birthright. but i'm not officially PUBLISHING it for 20,000 people to consume and calling myself a news magazine.
i mean, this girl wrote about a boil on her ASS. fer chrissakes.
for those who are interested, this was the first column i wrote for the dec. just barely 19, and not all that good at the writing thing. but i like looking back over early articles. personal fave: the poem i wrote about birds outside my window when i was seven that got published in the school lit mag. i like to think my style has matured since then.
and for the record, i still feel that way about music store clerks.
...are already out.
dude, i feel unmotivated to vote now that i've seen the results, with kerry kicking ass left and right. but i will labor on. from east falls church, i shall take ART bus #53 straight to nottingham elementary, where i will push aside small children and MAKE A DIFFERENCE with my vote.
i think it's kerry.
proving you can be too devoted to radiohead.
...
OH MY GOD. ED O'BRIEN HAD A BABY.
i didn't even know he had a girlfriend!!
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MIIIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEEEEEE
while enjoying a little bit of the fine "where in the world is matt lauer?" this morning, my pleasures of seeing mr. lauer shoosh down a ski slope in switzerland with a former swiss olympic gold medalist..wait..not pleasure...can't breathe... now hyperventilating, flashbacks, loud sounds, so white, back in interlaken, facing down impossibly steep mountain drop that said it was 'the easy slope' with europeans laughing all around and I CAN'T SKI OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
so during that segment, it was interrupted by a commercial, for, of all abominations, carb-lite ORANGE JUICE. (i can't believe there is a low-carb blog out there.) it was light 'n healthy orange juice by tropicana, and it sounded utterly disgusting.
i am so completely grossed out by the whole low-carb phenomenon that has been sweeping the nation for a while now. hello, if you eat only cheese and meat you are going to end up fat and alone. will americans ever learn that there is no easy way to cheat in dieting? i don't care what success story you are going to flaunt in my face, the low carb crap does not work. you *will* succumb again to the lure of the carbs, and if you've cut out carbs completely, you're going to swell to the size of an elephant the first time you have a slice of wonderbread.
i can't believe i sound like such eurotrash in every entry i write lately, but look at the italians. the stereotypes are true: they love their pasta and pizza. they eat it all the time. they have that gelato thing, too. but all italians are incredibly skinny (except for the old italian women, who are, without fail, stooped, chubby and have no ankles. but i've read that women of a certain age suffered from extreme malnutrition in the years after wwII in italy because the country went through a severe depression, and this apparently changed the way they ate and therefore their bodies).
it's just that italians are smart about the way they eat. no, actually, they're not consciously smart about the way they eat; they don't even think about the way they eat, and since they don't worry about their diets and overanalyze every little bite they put into their mouth, they have no issues with food. they don't eat if they're not hungry. they eat food that's good and real and fresh. they indulge in the god of condiments, olive oil. their portions are reasonably sized. they walk everywhere. they don't even really work out or go to gyms, but this is the sad truth: when i flew back from italy this summer, in my first ten minutes at dulles airport, i saw far more obese people than i'd seen during my entire year in italy.
americans are gross.
also, it's all hydrogenated high-fructose corn syrup's fault. peter jennings told me so.
this article is about the french, who are mean, but eat in basically the same manner as italians.
good GOD my work is boring. but that was probably apparent due to the fact that i am constantly writing long and rambly passages in this thing. i need to find a new job in a new locale. i'm thinking: professional espresso drinker, florence, italy?
primary tonight. i'll vote after work at the elementary school up the street from my house. i am still undecided, and it's all i've been thinking about all day. as a matter of transparency, i'll say who i voted for tomorrow. i hate all those bloggers who talk on and on about politics but then won't tell you their preferences or voting record.
trivia night last night was an unabashed disaster. sad to say, but there you have it. we added jon and charles to the roster, and while they were definitely useful, we pretty much sucked all around. the only nice thing was getting to meet kriston and sue and their friends, matt and matt, who are all awesome because they know what captain kangaroo looks like. anyway, we didn't even stick around to see our final standing because we knew it was dismal. however, i did prove slightly more useful this time around, mostly because they asked two sound of music questions. what are the chances of that, really? well, chin up and all that, we'll be back next week. hopefully with a significantly better team name. (for the record, it was not actually gonorrhea. it was something like gonoria', which means we will win or something in spanish, though it was obviously picked for the scatological elements. ah, to be on a team of immature boys. i'm still rooting for team discovery channel.)
